A page from Jennifer's diary!

I was heart-broken and shattered when I had failed to find love for me in the eyes of the one I loved. I felt insecure and exposed to the harsh world. I wanted to protect myself from getting hurt in love. I thought the best way for it would be to hibernate, to cover myself in a tough shell, a shell of protection around me which ensured that nobody could get close enough to hurt me.
But maybe pain is inevitable. The shell around me started diluting in Peter’s presence. Instead of being the tough girl I was, I started being delicate whenever he was around, for him to take care of me. I considered him to be special and magical to have been able to break my wall of insecurity.
I never knew or realised but in no time I had totally linked myself to him. He was the only reason for my happiness and his happiness was my only concern. And gradually he became my weakness. Maybe he realised it too. Unaware or aware of it, he started using this for his advantage, for his convenience.
Initially I had no problem with it. I just wanted to be with him. But as time went on, it became really hard for me to manage his mood shifts and work accordingly. I was losing my identity. I was not an individual anymore, everything I had was his. “I” was his! Completely.
The worst part of the situation was that he knew that I was nothing without him and I knew that I was nothing for him. It was a painful comprehension. He started becoming increasingly agitated at simple things and I constantly felt like a burden on him. It was as if I was pleading him to stay with me while he was merely doing me a favour by being there. What hurt the most was that whenever I tried voicing it out I was entirely blamed for all the spats in our relationship. I was accused guilty for all the quarrels and distances.
I constantly suffered for not being me, for always stopping myself to let out my feelings, for persistently trying to somehow work out the relationship and for continually failing to do so.
Maybe I had overdone it when he was not prepared for it. Or maybe it was the other way round.
Whatever the case was, we had failed to reach out to each other as we had expected and had left a gap in between us which was almost impossible to fill in. We were falling apart. Both of us were helpless. We had to separate our ways. It was really painful. By that time he had become a part of me without whom I was incomplete. I was difficult for me to tear myself away from him.
I lost count of the days after that when I hibernated myself before I could move on. I could not stop tears from rolling out of my eyes. My own tears felt like burning flames on my cheeks and like bullets when the dropped off from the bottom of my chin after clinging there for a long time. As each day passed, I felt completely drained out with no hope to get my life going. That was an abrupt unexpected pause in my life and everything around me seemed static.
I was wounded when I first fell in love but Peter had given me hope that it would not happen again. Peter had healed me from my first wound only to be again scathed, ripped apart, leaving me more miserable than before. When I had somehow adjusted myself to the loneliness, he came into my life to show me the wonders of love, giving me a reason to live and then suddenly shattered all my dreams to bitter truth.
I still am grateful to Peter for lifting me up when I had fallen from great expectations of my first love but he always made me realise the fact that he was the reason for my happiness. He took credit for all my happiness. I was sensitive to his regular reminders that I was incomplete without him.
But all that is past. I have come over all of it now. There is again warmth inside my heart. I have learnt to live life now. I have removed all the barriers, all the walls around me which had previously restricted me to trust people and connect to them. Now I make sure that there is never only one person I am attached to, only one reason for my happiness. I have learnt to occupy myself with more than one person so that there is always support beneath me. Moreover I have learnt to support myself.
I have realised that I should not lean entirely on a single being making it difficult for him to bear the weight.
More importantly I have forgiven Peter for whatever happened in the past, because it was partly his fault and partly mine. So we should share the blame too.

Random thoughts!!

Some very silly things that really took me by surprise and somehow amazed me:

° Vikarn and I were talking about a photo of ours and he mentioned it as a green photo. I didnt quite understand the statement and remebered it to be a purple photo. Only when we saw the photo did we realise that we both were correct. Actually he had worn a green t-shirt in the photo and therefore referred it as a green photo. And since I was wearing a purple jacket I remembered the photo being purple. Strange how we cling to things that we are related to and forget to take in the rest of the details!!!
° Well, I was walking to the tram station from my college and since it was not a very short walk, deicided to listen to music. While I was walking I heard some strange noise coming from nearby. I turned back twice to check whether anybody was following me but failed to know the source of the noise. Immediately I turned my music player off and realised that it was only me that was making that noise while walking.Hmm... Strange that when we are too engrossed in other things, we fail to realise what we are doing and suspect the world for it!!
° The other time, I was waiting for the pedestrain signal to turn red for me to cross the road and go to the college. And near me, there was a huge scary dog. I was quite scared of being beside him and decided to cross the road even though the signal was red. As soon as I crossed the road, the signal turned green and the excited dog (hund)started running towards me. I got very scared and screamed out loud. To my surprise, the dog owner was very relaxed and didnt react at all to my screams. And when it was an inch away from me I got paralysed and started making plans to visit the hospital with a dog-bite. But to my amazement it kept on running, past me, into the garden. I was speechless. It was too late that I realised that it was not chasing me at all but was excited about going to the garden near our college. Very strange, how people raise their voices, complain and criticize about the world and dont realise that it is their inner fear that is making them feel subjugated!!
° Well.... The other day I was talking with y flat-mate Lin(from China) about my family and found her to be quite interested in my sisters. Then I asked her about her siblings, to which she told me she is the only child of her parents because in China you are not allowed to have more than one child. Hmm.. I had known it for so long but never thought much about it until that day when she told me about it. Till then life seemed to be empty without siblings!

hmm... hmm.... read on to know what it is about...

Umm.. I wanted to write about this since ages now, but was always unsure to voice out my opinions. People might consider me a naïve person knowing nothing and would not appreciate my comments. But come on, who is asking anybody to publish it in a magazine or praise me for my opinions. It’s my blog, I can write whatever I want to. So here is a very negative opinion about feminism and if you don’t like my view let me know (but only with a strong answer, pleeeeaaasssee)
Ohhhk… so the world is filled with staunch feminists protesting for female rights. Even I would have considered myself as one if I wouldn’t have been introduced to the flood of strong feminists in Manipal. I reconsidered my position and realised that I am nowhere close to being one.
And then after realising it, I started disliking the whole concept of it. I mean, stop cribbing. For me it is purely pessimism. How much of a gender bias have my female colleagues faced to voice it out so strongly? Excuse me, if you come up with absurd points such as the words used to describe females in some idiotic song, then I wont be able to tolerate it. If that is what is repulsive to you, come to think of it, males aren’t even praised in any Indian songs. Indian songs are always singing high about the looks of females. Well, you should be happy about it!! It should be the men who should be complaining that their looks are always ignored.
Secondly, some raise their irritating voices in the middle of an interesting history class wherein the professor would be telling us about how females were looked down in the past. And then, interrupting in between, spoiling the entire mood will come pointless whines about this not being fair. Hello!!! Wake up! It might not be fair, but that won’t change the history. It is a fact, better accept it as one. You can’t shout out to change the history. Be practical and take it in a good studying spirit (if at all there is one such thing).
Then there are some who will be cribbing about gender inequality in some corner of the world. Don’t want to argue with them, really! First of all, how concerned are they about other concerning issues? How much do they care about the starving kid near their house to show concern to a greater number just for the reason that you share a common link of the same gender? Ohhk… that was not the argument. That was quite stupid on my side. Ok, a little more logical point. Firstly, none of your shouting here will help them in anyway. People amongst whom you are shouting are already well aware of the situation. Try of a better way of helping them and actually making a difference.
Hmm.. and if at all there was discrimination of any kind, consider it as a harm done to the whole of human kind and just not a specific gender. If something wrong was done, try not labelling a specific gender against the other one. Treat it as a crime of a bad person against a good one. And leave it just to an individual level and not drag the whole gender into it. That is like playing with one’s identity as a representative of that gender.
And yes, who says there are no rape cases anywhere. I am not ignorant. But that is clearly because males possess more power than females and (lets not go into details) are capable of doing it. I suppose, if females were capable of doing it (and I think they can, I read somebody saying that) then they would have done it and then there would have been rape cases of men too. I know it is very wrong and cannot be justified, but you cannot blame the whole group because of it. Whoever does it, fight them, for what they did was wrong. But again fight for the cause and not for the people/gender involved. Fight because what happened with the other person was not right. It should be a fight for the innocent against the guilty and not the whole gender of the one who is guilty.
It is something like God gave birds the ability to fly and not humans. So birds fly and one out of ten drops their shit on us. Of course, we should not tolerate such things but that doesn’t mean we should kill all the birds or cage them or load them with accusations and make some humanist movement against birds just because they can stay (fly) higher than us. Yes, we can definitely make some laws, which the government has already done. So still if the birds drop their shit on us, then the whole community of birds shouldn’t be blamed, because they cant cut down their wings for others. Instead punish only the one who dropped the shit for his wrong doing and better not accuse the whole community. I know, I make no sense but I am trying very hard to make others understand something which is absurd in many ways.
And then again, some shout out that women are not treated well in the society. Whoa whoa whoa!!! Maybe they are blind, insensitive and have a poor nervous system. Females are over-privileged. Everywhere it is the men who are subjected to ill treatment because they are considered to be strong enough to bear the pain. The entire ladies quota, special reservation for ladies everywhere are some of the examples. How can one even say that we are ill-treated. That is too greedy a statement. Just because you get a simpler way through this, you keep on demanding more!!! Heights!!!!
And lastly my views on a ridiculous statement. On Women’s Day, one extreme feminist was back in action. Her view was that Women’s Day makes no sense. (For once I thought that she finally made some sense, ofcourse Women´s day makes no sense. Why do we need a special day. We are just the same as men. Why treat us better than them??) but no.. I was quite wrong. Ofcourse she used the same words but in a very different way as if again protesting for gender rights. I was taken aback. This was the limit. On one hand, she fights, she shouts and does everything possible for the so-called female betterment and when people acknowledge such so-called efforts from others and give us a special day to celebrate she is still not happy. All we asked for was equality! Why just give us one day out of the 365 days as if it was a charity. My god!!! People misunderstand genuine intentions also. Its definitely not charity!! It is respect. And there is a difference between respect and pity. (By the way, we don’t even need the additional respect we are getting). And it is not that the rest of the 364days are dedicated to men and men rule over us. Those 364days are days of equality, where men and women are considered one and you have been given one additional day just to celebrate who you are. If that is the case, then you should fight against friendship’s day, Valentine’s Day (light topics) and also Independence Day and republic day. Does that mean our Independence is a result of pity? And that 364 days we are considered as slaves and only once a year independent? Well… now that independence and dependence are getting better hold of me (which are my favourite topics) I should better stop. Or else, I really don’t know how long this post will get!!
Till then… Byee…. Be happy being what you are!!! And let others also be happy being what they are!!!!!!
Love you all!!!

the pain of warmth?!?!?!

Betty. Betty was a strong girl. Never did a tear roll from her eyes in the past seven years while she was tortured every second of her life. She had been captured by a group of refugees and had been used to fulfil their desires of you-know-what time and again. Yet she never quivered, never did she lose faith in God and always hoped to free herself. And then, without notice, she got a chance to escape. She was wise enough not to lose the opportunity. She freed herself from the chains of torment she was tied to, all these years. She escaped, escaped far away never to be caught again. At first she ran aimlessly without knowing where to go. It has been years since she had seen sunlight. It felt like thousands of needles poking her in spite of the pain she endured all these years. She had never felt this weak in all those seven years.
“You don’t look well. Is everything alright? Do you need help?” She was amazed to hear those words. She had never been talked to like this since ages. She had almost forgotten goodwill and compassion. She looked scared. The stranger was rather shocked by her silence and his curiosity grew. He was genuinely concerned for her and was sure she needed help. But he knew it was not the perfect time to ask her what had happened. That could be left for some other time. So being very careful, he slowly moved close to her and gave her his coat. She seemed to appreciate the effort. He knew he was gaining her trust, but Betty was still not prepared to trust someone this early. He gently asked her to come along with him to the nearby restaurant and have something to eat. With wavering steps Betty followed. They went inside silently, without uttering a single word. Betty seated herself at the edge of the sofa.
“I am Mark”, finally said the stranger after several minutes of silence. Betty did not respond. It looked as if she was unaware of Mark´s presence. Again silence conquered the space between them for the next half-an-hour. Mark didn’t mind the silence; he wanted to give her enough time and space to open up, while Betty stared blankly at her bare feet. Finally she glanced over to see Mark´s face. He looked handsome, with smooth face-cuts and a distinctive jaw-line almost making his face-angle two-dimensional. His gleaming eyes were presently filled with mixed emotions of curiosity, concern and confusion. He looked harmless. Suddenly, as if like lightning she got all her senses back. She was used to bear so much pain that it didn’t seem to pain her further after sometime. But today looking at the tenderness of a complete stranger she felt back her pain. She realised what she had been missing all this time. As if the warmth was too affectionate to take. It made her weak. It made her pity herself for what she had gone through. It was like spraying hot water suddenly on a thing which had been frozen for a long time. It was painful to become supple again after years of being hardened. The pain had hardened her heart, her soul. The warmth was softening the hard envelope but it was unbearable. She had forced herself to become numb but now she was gaining back her senses. And suddenly she sensed something warm in her cheeks. She didn’t realise what it was. She touched her cheeks with her fingers, and was amazed to see it humid. She was surprised to see the drop of tear which had been suppressed since countless time. She was becoming a woman again but this time she was prepared.

Lets not make a difference!!

Hmm… Man is surrounded by layers of differences!! Everybody is very different from others and there are many levels which define the difference. You may call it difference in cultures! A culture can be diversified into a number, man has not yet discovered. Reasons can be many. Some reasons are defined by a social community as small as a family or as big as a nation. And many are a result of how an individual reacts to a situation.
Let’s think about it. What possibly determines the cultural difference? Thinking in a broader aspect, I can think that sometimes a nation makes us what we are. The history of the nation, the rulers of the past, the heroes of that country, the religion, the food, the dialect, the way of dressing and the climate can be some of the million points. But even they differ from place to place. Not the whole country has exactly the same dialect, climate, heroes, religion and food everywhere. That means as I said earlier that there are several different layers, some overlap and some with a thin line of difference that constantly determine an individual. Even generation makes a lot of difference. People of different look at the same thing differently. There is also difference in the same person with change in time. He might react to a particular thing in a different way at some point of his life than the other times. Differences are an integral part of life.
It is just how you look at it. The narrower your vision, the more different people will seem to you and more you will be inflexible to adapt to the changes. Look at it from a broader vision, you will realize that all the differences are not as big as they seem and that every living being (not just human but animals too) have the same core nature and needs. All experience the same feelings, feeling of love, anger, depression, envy, happiness, excitement and importantly hunger!! (hehe) the difference is just the way people respond to it. So lets work upon narrowing the differencess to make a difference in the world!!!

NOTHINGNESS!!

GAYATRI'S LIFE OF NOTHINGNESS:
- I love doing NOTHING. Most of the times when somebody asks me what I am doing, my plain answer would simply be NOTHING. And it’s not as if I am showing attitude or anything. Am mostly doing nothing.
- I usually think NOTHING. Usually nothing is running in my mind and my mind is hardly preoccupied with anything at all. That is the reason why I like sleeping, walking on unknown roads, listening to music. Because it has nothing to do with thinking.
- I am attached to NOTHING. I miss NOTHING. No matter how far people are, no matter how long I haven’t talked to them, it hardly matters. I can hardly feel their absence or get emotional about them. I am so absorbed with other worldly excitements to miss anything or anybody.
- I dream of or aim of becoming NOTHING. I have very simple ideas about life and don’t have much of career thoughts in my mind. I will be happy being a lovely mom of two adorable kids. That is all.

THE MANTRA OF NOTHINGNESS:
Believe me, the best matra of life is nothingness. If nothing bothers you, you will have no reason to be sad at all. Let me explain my mantra in detail!!!

- First of all, depend upon NOTHING. Being dependent makes you weak. You should distant yourself enough to manage its absence. Because nothing lasts with you forever and you cannot afford to waste time crying for all the things you lose!
- Expect NOTHING. Expectations sometimes result in disappointments. So work heartily but don’t expect any result. If it was good enough you will surely get the result you deserve. And even if you don’t, you can never demand the result of your choice! If you can manage to alter the result, then work towards altering it beforehand rather than expecting it to be the way you want it. And if you can in no way alter the result, what is the point in expecting anything.
Even don’t expect any specific treatment from anybody. Everybody has a life of their own and why should you be expecting anything from them. Shut up!!
- Judge NOTHING. Seriously that is he biggest crime you can do. First of all you are nobody to judge other people unless you are appointed to do so. Let people have their own definitions of their limitations, enjoyment, good and bad. You define yours. But if at all somebody does not fit into your definition of goodness, he might not necessarily be bad. That is your view of him and you should keep your views to yourself if it is against anybody.
- Criticize or comment NOTHING. That can be the sub division of the previous point but let me discus it differently. When you don’t have the right to judge anybody, criticising them does not even come into the scene. Respect people’s individuality. It’s their individual space and you can never simply make them behave as you want them to. Rather than correcting others if you find them wrong, distance yourself from the wrong thing.
- Have fixed notions of NOTHING. Keep yourself as flexible as possible. Life changes continuously and the graph between the things you like/have or your friends with time is never a straight line. It’s a steady curve. Give yourself space and adjust yourself that you can easily fit other people in that space.
- Think of yourself as NOTHING. Through personal experience I can say that it is never good to look down at others. You can always think high of yourself but never look down at others. And that is very difficult because there is a very thin line (thinner than you can imagine) between the two. World is filled with extra talented people and everybody is in the crowd of talented people.
- I was about to stop when I realized that I had forgotten the most important point! Worry about NOTHING!!! Everything always has a good end. Loot at it like this. Life is like a road where on one side there are flowers, colours, rainbows, ice-creams, chocolates, all your friends and family, hope, love and happiness. On the other side there are no colours, fallen leaves, barren land, enemies, envy, sorrows and trouble. It’s not possible for us to possibly overlook the other side. We have to face the other side too. But we always have an option to look at the other side whenever we face the wrong side!!! Consciously make efforts from our side to turn our faces to the brighter side. And I know this is possible. All you need to do is stay practical!!!


Hmm... Too much of preaching na? Cant help it!!! I always like sharing my “clarity of mind” with others!!!! Anyways let me put an end to this!!!! Don’t worry, be happy!!! And please keep smiling!!!!

KIDS!!

People are always amazed by seeing the amount of patience I have for handling kids. But for me, I never felt the need to be patient with kids, because I simply enjoy every single moment I have with them. They help me relive my most cherished moments of childhood. They just let me be myself, without the fear of being judged. You can simply win their love, without being have to be pretty, intelligent or talented for them to love you. I never discourage kids from doing anything they desire to do or give them an excuse to hesitate from doing something they love to do, just for the fear of what others would think about it. I let kids do whatever they want to, without fussing about silly things because there is nothing in this world that can match the joy you see in a child’s eye when you give your support in their amusement. And you never know, by giving encouragement, you might actually give someone a memory of a lifetime!
I always have had a special place in my heart for children. Those innocent eyes are filled with so many candidly adorable dreams. I simply love their uncomplicated way of looking at life, with inquisitive queries about uncommon things. They have no worries, no miseries to make their colourful lives dull even for a second. Even if they are hurt, they would forget the pain as soon as they find the warmth of a cozy embrace. They can never be manipulative in their actions and trust people with no preconceived notions. They never judge you and simply accept you as you are without any complains or criticism. Plus, they are always filled with unlimited, inexhaustible energy and enthusiasm for learning new things and enjoy every single moment of their life to the fullest, without holding any grudges against anybody or having any fear for future. They are happy with small pleasures of life and you can see a truly delighted smile even with the simplest act of affection. They would be thrilled even if you give them a small candy.
They believe in whatever you say, because for them you are the world and they completely depend on you.

A question of faith?!?!

The existence of God is not a miracle, it is the faith people have in god. The thing I find most surprising is the bond that connects several billions of people to nothingness. I was always curious to know the reason for the belief people have in god and finally came up with a satisfactory answer. I figured out that man is too weak to support himself throughout his life and hence needs a superior power to depend upon and put (at least partially) the blames of his misfortunes, discomfort and miseries. This superior power is required to keep his spirits up even in the bluest of days and keep him hoping for a better day. More importantly it is something/someone who he can fear, to keep him in control and stay human. Plus, this nothingness also proves to be a patient listener for his secret desires and share man’s happiness and sorrows. Man has named this non-existent, flawless entity as God and it’s the best company man can ever get. It ultimately is a way to attain peace of mind, in whichever way one finds it best. This emptiness is so wonderful that nobody questions its existence, as it is a source of support to everybody. It is an answer to every mystery unsolved.
What interests me further are the practices and customs linked with God. However pointless they might be, they make the whole concept of god look real. All the temples, mosques, churches and gurudwaras have an air of sanctity around it. All the shlokas and prayers are looked upon as divine and actually help people get tranquility. Since the whole society believes in it, the entire theory of a divinity gets so powerful that you can feel its presence everywhere and cannot ignore it. It has so strongly embedded in the society that even if you have no faith, you have to abide to certain rules that relate other people to god. Such things make life more lively and vibrant to an extent. However sometimes people tend to forget the main reason for having this spiritual way to attain peace and ironically get into petty fights over the god they worship. They overlook the meaning for god’s presence. People get obsessed with what they believe in, and disregard others beliefs. That is the only drawback in the entire concept. If people can have a broader mindset, faith in god can really work wonders and can prove to be the ultimate support to mankind.:)